-The Love Post-
"What a grand thing, to be loved!
What a grander thing still, to love!"
- Victor Hugo -
So I've been thinking alot about what and how love is good or bad or healthy for people. I'm pondering about how love affects a person who doesn't want love, or wants love but cannot have it, or something in-between...Why do we love? Are we as humans addicted to love? Why only with one person? Can't we just love everyone the same way? Can we have multiple relationships at the same time? How complicated does it all get? Who is right for us? Is love the beginning of the end? Or the end of the beginning? Or what? Priorities mean what to whom? Eh? Where's my Viagra? Where's my back pills?
I think girls make me happy in a very fun way. Ever since I was little I liked girls. Why? I didn't know, but that magic suits me wonderfully still -- Until girls make-a my brain-a go crazy.
I didn't know why when I was ten, the day I found a nudie magazine on the street outside seemed like the holy grail for me. I grabbed the papers and ran home as fast as I could to show my brother. It was incredible! Skin! Of a GIRL! I just felt all tingly. This was the first mature exposure I had to the world of sex and "love" and such. When I was even younger I always felt a bit funny when I talked to a few certain girls. I couldn't understand why. It didn't help that I had no father-figure type during this time, for my dad was on the other side of the world. So I had to learn in the dark. As a boy, you all certainly know how terribly stupid this was. Boys don't know girls. Never will!
The only way I learned how to work well was by making TONS of mistakes. It helped to read books on the matter. I was a learner but, like many young boys, extremely shy in the beginning since it was all theory.
I learned how to kiss from books! I practiced in my own mind constantly until I finally got the chance. I was so nervous at the time. I had worked out exactly how to open my mouth and move my lips and that silly tongue in little circles just as my practice had shown in my mind...My first, perfect French kiss was my freshman year of high school. All kisses before were just kid stuff. It was just like dancing. When both found the moves together the heat factor went off the charts. So I kissed again and again :)
Any yet, for all of the kissing..and er, such, I didn't feel love. I felt great on the surface! But I didn't feel any real true connection all through school, even though I dated plenty. I never kept a girlfriend long at all, mostly because I didn't understand who I truly was, or what I wanted beyond the physical. I never connected with other girls yet. I hadn't matured yet. A few years later and I went on more dates without much more than the physical. I also couldn't find the right type of girl for my eclectic tastes.
When I say mature, I don't mean boring. I mean I've learned a lot and can now use my past mistakes and successes to make a good choice, as opposed to leaping without thinking. Mature to me doesn't mean old, or making a decision that won't be fun. I'm quite crazy in the head in many a good way. My maturity is unique because I allow myself to change my mind if it makes sense!
Next, I'll lash out as a curmudgeon, just for fun.
I didn't write this, obviously, and some days I believe this quote is so incredibly accurate...
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
-Neil Gaiman
Now I don't really feel this lately, but I can remember when this quote made perfect sense. We as humans don't need this baggage, do we?
I finally allowed a girl into my heart unlike any other, because I understood myself and what I really wanted in a person, in a relationship. Over the course of a four year relationship my thoughts about love wafted to and fro, like waves crashing on rocks along the Big Sur. It was brilliant, as perfect as love could be. It also became flawed. And one day on a hammock, it ended. When? Not after she asked for more space. Nope, my heart didn't feel like the quote above until someone else entered into the picture. It didn't help the girl still lived with me, and we were still kissing, but without the "relationship" banner.
I couldn't accept a shared love. But I couldn't at that time have a monogamous love. It wasn't in the cards. And I had no control over it. Oh how confused I was. How wrenched I was. Love was so selfish, how I wanted a love all to myself. I felt like my heart died.
Love did this to me. I thought, no, I knew I would never love again!
I felt that way for a bit, truly I did; but love is in my spirit. Love is a part of my being.
"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
- Thoreau -
I still crave love. Why?
"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."
- The Bible : 1 Corinthians 13:4 -
Why do we crave love? Because we were made to love. We were made by Love, to love. By showing real love and not a selfish desire, did I begin to allow myself to receive love again. A different, new love.
Here's one thing I've discovered since I thought love was a cruel joke:
Passion is not love. My addiction to passion and the throes of the moment (not a pure love) got me into way more trouble than anything. I nearly lost my ability to be my true self. My desire to receive desires added so much pressure to both lovers, it blocked the simplicity of love.
I've since learned how to balance myself in being a person who can send and receive a lover's love without trying to become complicated. It can become so very complicated if we let our earthly minds and habits get in the way of our spirits, our hearts, our souls.
Am I finished learning? HA! Not a chance. I'm still alive and will always be learning, folks. I'll rethink this many times I'm sure. I'm not done until my brother pushes me off of a cliff with those explosives strapped to my wheelchair and my 120 year-old self! If I'm that old I deserve to be pushed off and go in a blaze of glory. I'll have what's left of my shoes bronzed and put on the family mantel.
The bronzed shoes will say:
"I love life"
I love you family
I love you friends
I love you Jes
I love you Derick
Isn't life exciting? Good things can happen. Even a kiss.
Even love.
p.s.
I was a little inspired by this blog. Everyone can love again...
What a grander thing still, to love!"
- Victor Hugo -
So I've been thinking alot about what and how love is good or bad or healthy for people. I'm pondering about how love affects a person who doesn't want love, or wants love but cannot have it, or something in-between...Why do we love? Are we as humans addicted to love? Why only with one person? Can't we just love everyone the same way? Can we have multiple relationships at the same time? How complicated does it all get? Who is right for us? Is love the beginning of the end? Or the end of the beginning? Or what? Priorities mean what to whom? Eh? Where's my Viagra? Where's my back pills?
I think girls make me happy in a very fun way. Ever since I was little I liked girls. Why? I didn't know, but that magic suits me wonderfully still -- Until girls make-a my brain-a go crazy.
I didn't know why when I was ten, the day I found a nudie magazine on the street outside seemed like the holy grail for me. I grabbed the papers and ran home as fast as I could to show my brother. It was incredible! Skin! Of a GIRL! I just felt all tingly. This was the first mature exposure I had to the world of sex and "love" and such. When I was even younger I always felt a bit funny when I talked to a few certain girls. I couldn't understand why. It didn't help that I had no father-figure type during this time, for my dad was on the other side of the world. So I had to learn in the dark. As a boy, you all certainly know how terribly stupid this was. Boys don't know girls. Never will!
The only way I learned how to work well was by making TONS of mistakes. It helped to read books on the matter. I was a learner but, like many young boys, extremely shy in the beginning since it was all theory.
I learned how to kiss from books! I practiced in my own mind constantly until I finally got the chance. I was so nervous at the time. I had worked out exactly how to open my mouth and move my lips and that silly tongue in little circles just as my practice had shown in my mind...My first, perfect French kiss was my freshman year of high school. All kisses before were just kid stuff. It was just like dancing. When both found the moves together the heat factor went off the charts. So I kissed again and again :)
Any yet, for all of the kissing..and er, such, I didn't feel love. I felt great on the surface! But I didn't feel any real true connection all through school, even though I dated plenty. I never kept a girlfriend long at all, mostly because I didn't understand who I truly was, or what I wanted beyond the physical. I never connected with other girls yet. I hadn't matured yet. A few years later and I went on more dates without much more than the physical. I also couldn't find the right type of girl for my eclectic tastes.
When I say mature, I don't mean boring. I mean I've learned a lot and can now use my past mistakes and successes to make a good choice, as opposed to leaping without thinking. Mature to me doesn't mean old, or making a decision that won't be fun. I'm quite crazy in the head in many a good way. My maturity is unique because I allow myself to change my mind if it makes sense!
Next, I'll lash out as a curmudgeon, just for fun.
I didn't write this, obviously, and some days I believe this quote is so incredibly accurate...
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
-Neil Gaiman
Now I don't really feel this lately, but I can remember when this quote made perfect sense. We as humans don't need this baggage, do we?
I finally allowed a girl into my heart unlike any other, because I understood myself and what I really wanted in a person, in a relationship. Over the course of a four year relationship my thoughts about love wafted to and fro, like waves crashing on rocks along the Big Sur. It was brilliant, as perfect as love could be. It also became flawed. And one day on a hammock, it ended. When? Not after she asked for more space. Nope, my heart didn't feel like the quote above until someone else entered into the picture. It didn't help the girl still lived with me, and we were still kissing, but without the "relationship" banner.I couldn't accept a shared love. But I couldn't at that time have a monogamous love. It wasn't in the cards. And I had no control over it. Oh how confused I was. How wrenched I was. Love was so selfish, how I wanted a love all to myself. I felt like my heart died.
Love did this to me. I thought, no, I knew I would never love again!
I felt that way for a bit, truly I did; but love is in my spirit. Love is a part of my being.
"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
- Thoreau -
I still crave love. Why?
"Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."
- The Bible : 1 Corinthians 13:4 -
Why do we crave love? Because we were made to love. We were made by Love, to love. By showing real love and not a selfish desire, did I begin to allow myself to receive love again. A different, new love.
Here's one thing I've discovered since I thought love was a cruel joke:
Passion is not love. My addiction to passion and the throes of the moment (not a pure love) got me into way more trouble than anything. I nearly lost my ability to be my true self. My desire to receive desires added so much pressure to both lovers, it blocked the simplicity of love.
I've since learned how to balance myself in being a person who can send and receive a lover's love without trying to become complicated. It can become so very complicated if we let our earthly minds and habits get in the way of our spirits, our hearts, our souls.
Am I finished learning? HA! Not a chance. I'm still alive and will always be learning, folks. I'll rethink this many times I'm sure. I'm not done until my brother pushes me off of a cliff with those explosives strapped to my wheelchair and my 120 year-old self! If I'm that old I deserve to be pushed off and go in a blaze of glory. I'll have what's left of my shoes bronzed and put on the family mantel.
The bronzed shoes will say:
"I love life"
I love you family
I love you friends
I love you Jes
I love you Derick
Isn't life exciting? Good things can happen. Even a kiss.
Even love.
p.s.
I was a little inspired by this blog. Everyone can love again...
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